From Brittany:

Last week was heavy. Last week I talked with over 20 women whose lives have been forever altered by pornography. I talked with wives who have recently discovered their husbands have been viewing porn. I talked with daughters who have discovered porn on their fathers’ devices. I talked with women who have become addicted to porn themselves through the encouragement of their husbands.

And today, I am soul-piercingly tired.

After talking with yet another woman who found porn on her husband’s phone, I had to take a break to process. What emerged was this open letter I am sharing with you in an effort to describe exactly what I see when I sit down with your wives. This is not about one specific couple. You would be surprised how consistently similar the stories are. These are the common threads I see in nearly every conversation with a wife who discovers her husband has been looking at porn.

I just wanted you to know.

An Open Letter to A Husband Who Looks at Porn,

Last week your wife wrote me a brief message. That’s usually how these conversations begin. Something along the lines of, “I never thought I would be writing this, but I just found page after page of pornography on my husband’s phone. I am devastated.” After receiving a similar message from your wife, I offered to meet with her. She hesitantly agreed. She wasn’t sure how you would feel about it. She didn’t know if it was okay to talk about what you’ve done. She wanted to make sure I know that she loves you and that you really are a good man and a good father. That she just doesn’t know what she did to drive you to this. Or why she wasn’t enough.

When I met with her, I could see the shock and hopelessness in her eyes. She was trembling. She couldn’t speak. “Hey, sweet friend,” I said. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” Through broken sobs she poured out the story of how she knew you had struggled with porn before you got married, but that you had told her you’d gotten clean. She never doubted you. You would occasionally talk with a select few people about your history with porn, but it was always in the past tense. It was always, “I struggled with porn in college.” Never, “I struggled with porn yesterday.” You even had an accountability partner, someone your wife trusted to let her know if you ever started looking at porn again. Come to find out, you’d been looking at porn for years and your accountability partner never even bothered to check the emailed reports. Just sent them straight to the trash without ever even opening them. She’s pretty furious with that guy, too, by the way.

Your wife described finding horrible images. Images that are now seared in her memory. Images that play over and over and over in her nightmares every night. She can’t look at you without seeing what you’ve done. She can’t pass another woman without wondering what you’re thinking about her. She can’t look in the mirror without seeing all her flaws and blaming herself for not being enough to keep you from “needing” to look at porn.

Your wife doesn’t see how your marriage can ever recover from this. She wants a divorce. But she doesn’t want a divorce. She wants to punch you. But she wants to protect you. She wants to curl up in your arms. But she can’t stand your touch. She wants to run to you, but how do you run to the man who obliterated your trust?

The woman you vowed to care for in sickness and in health is physically ill because of your sin. Her stomach hurts constantly. Her head pounds. She can’t sleep. She’s anxious and depressed. She feels so awful physically and mentally that she can’t think clearly enough to make basic decisions throughout the day. She feels trapped because she can’t make you quit and you won’t let her help you quit. She feels like she has to keep your dirty little secret. She feels overwhelmed, exhausted, torn down. This is killing her. I’ve repeated, “This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault” a hundred times today. She can’t hear me.

You know the worst part for her? It’s the lies. It’s that she had to discover it herself instead of you telling her. She would a thousand times over prefer you to fess up rather than lie to her face. Because to lust is a sin, but it’s the lies that make it impossible for her to know if anything about you or your marriage is real. If you lied about pornography, what else are you lying about? How often were you lying when you told her you love her? Have you been lying about money? Other relationships? Are you telling the truth now about how deep this sin goes, or are you still holding back? She would have been hurt had you told her the first time you looked at porn. But it’s the lies that destroyed her.

When I talked to her, she alternated between sobs and intense anger. I told her she has every right to be angry. She said she doesn’t trust anything you say or do. I told her she doesn’t have to. She said you don’t want to give up your Smartphone or your open access to internet. I told her you don’t get to be the one to decide that. The addict doesn’t get to set the rules for recovery.

Today, I am heartsick and weary. I’m not the one who should be holding your wife’s hand right now. That’s your job. I shouldn’t be sitting here with her while she sobs over how you have destroyed everything she believed about your marriage. I shouldn’t have to be the one trying to convince her that it was nothing she did that made you sin. That she is enough. That she is precious and loved and beautiful and worthy.

Your wife and I talked for a long time today. I told her God can make all things new. I told her to stay in the Word, to turn to her church family, and to keep holding onto hope. I told her that she can heal, and that you absolutely can change.

I know you’re pretty mad about some of the other stuff I told your wife. Some of the steps I advised. I can take that most days. But today, I’m tired. I’m not tired of supporting your wife. I’m tired of your sin and emotional abuse making it necessary for someone to spend hours trying to convince your wife that she is not crazy. That this is you, not her. I’m tired of getting messages from men berating me for daring to suggest to their wives that you have to take actual steps to get out of an actual addiction. This work is heavy. It gets up close and personal with the dark and the ugly. And sometimes… Sometimes it’s almost too much. But I’m not about to quit just because you didn’t.

I just thought you should know.

Sincerely,

Brittany Richardson